At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
