so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there's paper in my vomit.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize