Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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