ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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