I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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