Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
