Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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