The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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