just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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