We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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