So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
