Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
false alarm. still invincible.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
