Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
