I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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