Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
