I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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