oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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