I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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