I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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