This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
