i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
