He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
