VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
