If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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