They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
