Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
