fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
