Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
