The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
