i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
