never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize