Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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