My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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