there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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