Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just pee around me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dear god my vagina.
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