if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize