There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
