Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
