i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize