There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
