problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
