Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
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