I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
