Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
