Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
