I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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