She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
