I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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