im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
