he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize