I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
