Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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