1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
