My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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