I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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