WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
