My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
