you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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