dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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