Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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