Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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