Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
